stalking

Form 5's life is not as happy as it seems
Haha...
Beside the fact that this is the last year of highschool, like we all always hoped for, no more schooling!!
bit it also also mean the last year of seeing and being with the bestesterest.best friends of all....
I've learnt a lot this year. From unknown people, from the people that I wish the earth can just open up to eat them, crushing their bones, and let the saprophytes eat up all the remaining, from the people that I've always wonder what can I ever do to repay their kindness, from the people that I really love but always get on my nerve, from the people that I've always longed for attention and understanding, from the people around me, from the people that are always there for me, from the people that have always bring me laughter most of the time and pain some of the time...
from everybody..

I've learnt and experienced the things that I can never imagine.
I am still very naive. I am still very small. I am still far from maturity but what I wish, what I've longed for is trust, or at the very least, acknowledgment...
All this while, I thought what I did is correct. Honesty is the best policy or something like that..
Of course, it is still correct as it has always been...but I took it too seriously and misinterpreted the meaning..
Honesty is the best policy but there are times when it is best if we keep our mouth shut...
I, who always eager to voice out my opinion, have hurted many..
There are times that I should be telling the truth but I didn't and there are times that I shouldnt be saying anything but I did.
I want people to listen to me but I never listen to them....and it took me 16 years and almost 6 months to notice it...
It hurts me when I didnt notice that I hurted so many people....
It also hurts me because it took me damn long to notice yet damn fast to forget...
I wanted people to know my pain but I never try to know theirs..
Eventhough some people think I'm a bit too cold.
Come to think of it, I am not. I've always care.... or at least, I used to care...
I've always been asking myself,
why should I bother caring about things and myself when there's no one that cares about me...
Why should I be crying when there's no shoulder to lean on.
Why should I be angry when the person never knows.
Why should I argue when I know it wont bring any good to me.
Why should I tell them that its wrong when it wont change anything.
Why should I make them understand when they barely know me.
Why should I let them know because it will only make me feel weak.
I think, the question should be sounded like this ;
What makes you feel so special?
What makes you think that noone cares about you?
What makes you think that by doing all this will make you a better human?
What makes you think that you're the only one in pain?
.......
I am a coward. I'm too scared to face the truth. I rather lie to myself than accepting the very truth.
And God punished me by taking away some of my feeling... which I used to ask for in my prayers everytime I pray, five times a day, everyday till this day.
Can you believe it?
A mere human who was blessed with thousands of feeling prayed to god to take back her feeling...
My stupidity has reached to a level that I wanted God to take away my feeling so that there will be no more pain. No more sensitivity. No more feeling of hatred and sorrow...
In the end, my selfishness brought pain to the others...
I know that an apology is never enough but I just want to tell you that I am really sorry for all the pains and troubles that I caused. I will try my best not to do it ever again. I do extremely love you guys. Thank you for being there for me eventhough I am never there for you.
Especially xxx and xxx... Thank you for listening to all my craps...
Thank god for all the love that he had showered me with. Thank god for giving me another chance...
I am happy and content with what I have now...
The only thing that I have to do is try my best...try my extremely very best, learn how to keep my cool, put an invisible cotton bud when my father starts screaming on top of his lung and being angry on something that he doesnt know and never tries to know, learn how to use the mute button on myself, learn to tell only what I'm supposed to tell...

And of course, learning being me again....

And its also seem that my social status has annoyed some...
I'm sorry but I'm just trying to be honest with my feeling...
I'm truly sorry.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i love reading other ppl's blog. georgian mostly. haha. takdak life sebenarnya. but sometimes it kinda brought me back from which ever place i went and got lost. heh? i love this one. just wanna share it here. i hv no idea who this kid is but this felt close, doesnt it? you can definitely relate to this kan ;)